Something to say

As a writer, I never wanted to just 𝐬𝐚𝐲 something. I wanted to have something to say.

My last post indicated that I would be taking a week or so off. It’s been almost six weeks now, and I have written nary a word.

𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐲.

I have been empty, treading water, completely drained while circling the drain.

Physically, I am better. (Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. I love you dearly, and mine continue for you, as well.)

Since I last logged on, though, life has been unkind. As a widow, cancer survivor, and lifelong chemo patient, I was under no illusion it would be without difficulty. To know Scripture at all is to understand that.

Some things, however, intrude without warning and compound what already, 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐲 𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, has the capacity to flatten us. In this case, it converged all at once.

Both my parents are completely bedbound now. Mama has been for quite some time, and, shortly after my hospital stay ended, our precious daddy was discharged home on Hospice. Entirely unexpected, it left us reeling. Unless something changes, we were told he is probably in the “weeks to months” category, and our hearts are broken.

Much of what has comprised our recent days will remain private out of respect, but the toll it has taken, and the ways in which I am working to once again choose joy, may resonate with you.

Thus, 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, this “something to say” post.

For too long, shadows of sorrow imprinted themselves on my heart, robbing me of both my joy and my peace. I allowed them to extinguish the hope that has been my mainstay since calamity first struck years ago.

In the words of Oswald Chambers, I “failed to take God into account.” Stubbornly refusing to draw from Him, I forfeited what Chambers calls the “undisturbedness” of the Lord Jesus Christ.

To my detriment, 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐞𝐝.

To look too far down the road is to invite the worries we are instructed to reject. I see that now. Days, like seasons, occur consecutively, not concurrently. We cannot live in two seasons at once. One day, one season, follows another.

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬.

To try to live with one foot in the present and one foot in the future leaves us double-minded, fearful, and in danger of losing both our perspective and our balance.

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲.

I knew that, too. I just allowed myself to momentarily forget.

𝐃𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝. It’s no way to live.

So…for today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, I once again entrust the future to the One who 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐬 what it holds.

He’ll hold me.
He’ll hold you.
𝐇𝐞’𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝. Steady. Sure. Unwavering.

𝐀𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫 through the storms that buffet and loom.

In more ways than one, beloveds, it’s good to be back.

“God does not give us everything we want, but He does fulfill His promises, leading us along the best and straightest paths back to Himself.”
~ 𝐃𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐡𝐨𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫